dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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