8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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