if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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