my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
