The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
