Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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