Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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