Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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