I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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