I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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