We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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