she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
