I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
