If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
