i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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