i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
