i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
