dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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