Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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