Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
