What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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