omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
