Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Green mimosas i think yes
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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