she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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