He asked to "fluff my boner.."
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
