i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
