I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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