1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
