Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize