Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
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