Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
