you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
