bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
