the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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