On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
