I wish my penis had an off switch
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My liver just had a heart attack.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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