When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
