I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
