you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
