I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize