party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
