Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
