So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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