dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
