One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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