I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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