I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
