I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
