We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
