Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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