he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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