smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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