So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
