I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
