Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
