She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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