My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Girls should come with a carfax report
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
