I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
